I say it all the time: Self-care is not self-ish.
It’s a premise that’s easy to grasp and even easier to shrug off if we’re the type of people who tend to just buckle down, work harder to get the job done, and take care of other people regardless of how depleted we are — until our bodies force us to re-examine our choices. If you’re still shrugging off self-care as a nice but non-essential notion, perhaps this story will change your mind:
A young woman I love recently suffered a major loss — one of those unthinkable, heartbreaking events that draws a “before” and “after” line across a life, changing it forever. I won’t go into the details, as it’s not my story to tell. But in her process of sorting out her shock, grief, loss, pain, anger, fear, and whatever else, she noticed something remarkable and surprising: her own tremendous resiliency.
This formerly Type A woman used to internalize a ton of stress. She worried a lot, and had the frequent debilitating migraines, rock-hard neck and shoulders, insomnia, overall sense of unease, and hormone imbalances to prove it. But she wrote to me yesterday:
“I am now not only waking up every day feeling like there’s still beauty in the world, but helping other people cope with change in a healthy way as part of my job. The mere fact that I’m able to not feel completely overwhelmed by my own life changes but can use that to help others find grace in change is incredible.”
Indeed. I am in awe of her strength, her ability to reckon with what came her way, and to bounce back.
How did she build these muscles of resiliency?
Unwittingly, gradually, and using the same self-care tools she used to treat the migraines that first brought her into my clinic for acupuncture. In addition to getting acupuncture and taking herbs, she was willing to change how she showed up in the world. She downshifted. She stopped treating her body like a machine. She dared to do less than she was capable of. She cultivated a relationship with her breath and her body through breathing qi gong and yoga. She took the time to seek out things like acupuncture and massage to remind her nervous system what’s possible. She got over her yang addiction. None of this was easy, as our society tends to reward overwork and over-service, and to really do it differently is tough on the ego. But the debilitating migraines provided compelling motivation.
“The idea of self care and slowing down and finding the quiet was never a part of my world before I met you. I have so much gratitude for the time I got to work with you and the routines and structure for caring for myself that you helped me to build.”
The bodymind practices and self-care routines that she put in place years ago now serve as the foundation of her resilience. And as she continues to employ them, she is role-modeling this self-care for her daughter, as well as for the people she works with, and for me. She is being the change, Gandhi-style. Kinda the exact opposite of selfish.
Here are my 3 tips for becoming resilient:
- Start with taking 30 minutes a day to yourself, away from any input from screens, other people, work, etc. Write, go for a walk, stretch, take a bath, get out of your head.
- Develop a relationship with your breath (if you haven’t already grabbed my free breathing meditation, get it now)
- Learn a bodymind practice like qi gong, meditation or yoga (my learn-from-anywhere qi gong class can get you started)
Like going to the gym, building up resilience takes consistent time and effort. But over time, you will be stronger than you ever thought possible.
One of the saddest things I hear in my practice is, “I must be getting old.” I hear this from patients as young as 29, and I know the feeling: nothing makes me feel like I’m 85 quite like back pain that I’ve had since I was a teenager.
Maybe you don’t have the energy you’d like. You feel stiff. Maybe your back hurts (or your hips, knees, neck, or shoulders). The world feels like it’s moving too fast. But it’s not true that you have to fall apart before you die (If you have pain in one shoulder, why not the other? – it’s the same age!). You also don’t have to live on ibuprofen and caffeine, or outsource your wellness to your doctor, acupuncturist, massage therapist, or chiropractor. It’s possible to feel younger, even as the days go by.
Little things add up. Ever notice how you get an immediate surge of energy when you get an unexpected visit or email from a dear friend you haven’t seen in years? Notice how a couple days of eating processed food while visiting family makes you feel bloated and toxic? Or how about how not getting up from your desk for 15 hours when you’re under deadline can lead you to conclude that your shoulders are now cemented to your back? These all add up. It’s the things we do every day that most determine how old we feel.
6 things I wish everyone did every day to feel great:
- Get 7-9 hours of sleep a night
- Move your body in a way that feels good
- A body-mind practice to calm your nervous system and reconnect to yourself
- Drink water (half your body weight in ounces)
- Eat whole foods (mostly plants)
- Connect with love
Looking for a way to do 3 or 4 of these things at once? Keep Reading…
(True story, but significant details have been altered to protect confidentiality.)
Last week I treated a woman who was exhibiting an all-too-common combo of stress and tiredness. And she was wondering “Am I doing enough?” Let’s see: full -time job? Check. Full-time husband? Check. Elderly parents and in-laws in need of care? Double check. Volunteer responsibilities? Checkety check. What got her questioning whether or not she’s doing enough was a phone call from her son, who wanted to know if she could help take care of the kids for the weekend. She said no, but was troubled by the thought of not doing enough to help. “I’d love to help,” she said, as the tears welled up, “but I’m just so exhausted. And I just feel so guilty for not doing more. ”
I could relate. It’s tough to feel like there’s not enough of you to go around – and easy to feel like you’re doing something wrong in saying no to someone you love.
I asked her if she had been getting enough sleep. Only on the weekends. Is she exercising 3-5 times a week like she’d like to? Not really. More like once or twice. Is she cooking healthy meals for herself regularly – a key part of our treatment strategy? Not so much. Is she making time for her spiritual practice? Yes, but she feels like she’s phoning it in. How about relaxing or connecting with friends? Ha.
So the absolute basic things she needs to be doing for her are barely happening. Should she be doing more? I’m going to go with “no.” How about slathering a thick layer guilt on top of that? No, and no.
Am I suggesting that everyone needs to get 100% of our own needs met 100% of the time before we can help other people? Of course not (otherwise no kid would ever make it to adulthood!). Part of love is service. It feels good to help out, and what that does for your spirit can often make up for deficiency of physical energy. But (for me, at least) those delicious feelings dry up under the harshness of overextending out of obligation. Then it’s not only unsustainable, it’s also likely to backfire, as the cry of unmet needs get externalized as resentment.
I would love to cure ebola. I would love to give away a billion dollars to help get this disease under control. But much as I’d love to write a check for a billion, I simply don’t have it to give away. I do have $50, which I can and will donate to the cause. It’s sustainable, in a way that taking out a payday loan in order to do my part in the global effort would not be.
Here’s the paradox: when we dedicate time to taking care of ourselves, we have more energy reserves to give to others. I know I’m a better practitioner (and friend, and wife, step-mom, course creator, and whatever else I am) when I’ve had enough sleep, when I’ve meditated and when I am moving from a place of presence than when I’m running myself into the ground.
I know this, yet I still feel guilty when I’m taking care of myself, if I know it will disappoint someone else (including my Work Self – she’s demanding!). There are two gauges to check. First, the fuel gauge: how’s my energy? Am I tired? The second is my intention. A quick check question I use is “what is my motivation?” If the answer involves a “should” or “ought to,” I let the answer be no: otherwise it’s a social expectation overriding inner wisdom. So how do you know whether you’re doing enough? If you’ve got a good amount of fuel (energy), and if you can say yes with love in your heart, go ahead and take the detour to help someone out. But if you barely have enough gas to make it to your destination, it’s probably not wise to take the detour. No one is served when you sputter to a halt.
Photo by ReubenGBrewer (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-4.0], via Wikimedia Commons
Meet Reishi, your Super Buff Fairy Godmother.
Thanks to her, I’m not currently sick with my step-daughter’s cold.
Dubbed the “mushroom of immortality” and the “great protector” in Chinese herb writings as far back as 1500 years ago, Ms. ganoderma lucidum has long been a symbol of protection. And it’s no wonder: she’s a powerful immune booster, effective against against strep, staph, and pneumonia — even cancer cells have been known to drop dead at her feet.
A true guardian, she watches over all of our internal organs, keeping allergens from inducing asthma, blocking tumors from spreading, shielding the liver from toxic drugs, maintaining blood sugar and mood stability in her red cape. She also keeps you calm, helps you handle stress and tucks you into bed for a night of sound sleep.
When put through a 6-month trial, she proved herself capable of lowering blood pressure to the normal range, even when drugs had failed; she prevent platelets from aggregating, and increases the flow of blood to the Emperor, the Heart.
Thank you, Lady Reishi, Great Protector, for all that you do.
Image by Anndylian/CC-BY-SA-3.0
Tired of dogma around food? Just for today, let’s side-step the landmine of a question “what should I be eating?” in favor of three often-overlooked factors: the how, when, and why. Here we go:
How, When, and Why
Just Eat Three Meals a Day
Give yourself nourishing food three times a day, period. If you’re eating every few hours, your body will burn the meal or snack you just ate for fuel. With a steady supply of calories always available, your body has no reason at all to burn its fat.
But if you space out your meals to three per day (or fewer), you train your body to burn its fat instead of its sugar. Within a few weeks, sugar cravings will subside, you’ll think better, and you might have a better shot at sleeping through the night (good sleep also helps balance the “hunger hormones,” leptin and ghrelin). Plus, you’ll have fewer opportunities to overeat. Want dessert? Go for it. At mealtimes.
When: Eat your biggest meal of the day at lunch. This is when digestive fire is strongest, and therefore the best time to eat your largest, most complicated meal. Giving yourself a big, satisfying meal at lunch will give you calories to burn all afternoon, supplying your brain with much-needed fuel. A big dinner is less useful when you’re winding down towards sleep.
Make your evening meal smaller and earlier: before 7 PM. According to the Chinese body clock, we have the least amount of qi in the digestive system (Spleen and Stomach), between 7pm and 11pm. From 11pm to 3am, your Liver and Gallbladder kick into gear to clean the blood and detoxify your system. They can’t do their job very well if they’re still busy helping you digest your evening meal.
Get enough sleep. When we’re sleep deprived, our hunger hormones increase while our satiety signals take longer to kick in, so you’re more likely to want to eat more.
Relax. The nervous system has 2 modes: fight-flight-freeze or rest-and-digest. If you’re eating while stressed, chances are you won’t digest well, because the nervous system is focused on other things. So eating at your desk or while dodging traffic is out. To help shift into rest and digest mode, practice this breathing exercise.
Let eating be the one thing you’re doing. Step away from your desk, put down your phone, turn off the TV. Distraction-free eating allows you to tune into how much food your body actually wants and tends to result in consuming fewer calories. Plus, in Chinese Medicine, it’s the Spleen that digests both food and information. Eating while studying is doubly hard on the Spleen, as the poor thing has to digest two things at once.
Take it slowly. It takes a good 20 minutes for the stomach to signal to the brain that it’s full. When you eat quickly, you outrun this feedback mechanism, making it easy to eat more than you need. Taking a moment of gratitude before your meal, chewing each bite thoroughly, putting your fork down between bites, and eating with your non-dominant hand can all help slow you down.
Check in with why you’re eating. Might you actually be needing something else instead? Like, rest? Comfort? In my world, most emotional eating doesn’t happen at mealtimes, so the 3-meals-a-day strategy helps me sidestep the question entirely.
Think you’ll be hungry all the time with no snacks? Here’s a hint: fats, proteins, and fiber keep you feeling full longer than simple sugars and carbs. Another hint: if you’re hungry between meals, drink some water or herbal tea. And make sure you’re getting your vitamin D. And how delicious is food when you’re really and truly hungry?
This all boils down to taking the time to eat three relaxed meals a day. Not rocket science, right? But totally grounded in both Ayurveda and Chinese Medicine. Tried it? Want to? I’d love to hear how this strategy works for you.
I’m happy to announce that I’ll be leading a retreat at Breitenbush Hot Springs Aug. 24-27, 2014!
Breitenbush is a really sweet place. The quiet just seeps into you as soon as you leave the parking lot. Mountains. Hot springs. Hiking trails through old growth forests. Geothermically heated cabins. Delicious meals. It’s the perfect spot for a retreat. Mine will be about:
Easing Up: Chinese Medicine Self-Care for Your Nervous System
Chronic stress is evil: it messes with hormones, sleep, digestion, and immunity. It worsens pain and makes us tense, tired, anxious, and depleted. It’s also not fun. Read more